September 2021

In moments like this, family sticks together. I decided after months of doing it alone that I just need to be around others and so I packed a few of the kids’ things and went to Mum (Samad’s mum). The night before Samad was taken into Lister….again….I didn’t sleep all night, thoughts were crowding my mind, not really making sense of what any of it was saying. I call Samad that morning and he tells me he is still in an awful amount of pain and because of it he can’t talk. The call hangs up. I understand, for months I’ve watched the man in my life go through things you would never wish your worst enemy to go through. After 15 years the unspoken things no longer need to be explained, we know each other far too well and so when he hangs up, I know it’s the type of pain that is no longer endurable. So…I tried to keep myself busy with the kids, helping Mum, and to keep her mind off her son as much as possible.

At 2 pm on the dot I got this really strange feeling, I called Samad and within the first ring, he declined my call, I instantly knew something was amiss!! I felt sick!

10 minutes later the Doctor calls me and explains that Samad has been in an incredible amount of pain and his heart rate is a huge concern, they have decided to take him into emergency surgery and if I could get to Lister hospital within the hour to see him before he goes into the theatre. As soon as we hang up, I start going into auto drive! I ran to school, collected the kids early and ran back to Mum’s, while I was out Mum arranged a lift to take me to Lister.

The second I sit down in the car, I start praying and crying hysterically that I couldn’t catch my breath. I told myself I had to get a grip! He needs me to be strong! He needs to go into the operation knowing he WILL be ok! We got there and I ran all the way to the ward, up 4 flights of stairs and ran down the corridor and….Bang! Into a Nurse who is pulling a patient in their bed. Samad!

There goes my “be strong for him” motto but I couldn’t hold it in anymore, and like those soppy romantic films, I crumble over him, crying. The Nurse explains that I had gotten there just in time and I could go down to the theatre level with them. Samad was dosed up with meds and epidurals that he seemed, his normal self, pretty chilled. The tables turned and he started to calm me down. We reached the theatre level and the tears start again when we had to say goodbye. The last thing he said was “I’ll see you on the other side”

I sat for the next 8 hours going over and over what that meant, “the other side”. The other side of what??? The theatre? Life? What do you mean!

Samad’s sister worked in the same hospital and she kindly snuck me into their staff room where I comfortably sat with a phone charger. I called the children in the evening and from what the family were telling me, the sudden changes were unsettling for them and Mum was constantly praying.

Finally, I got the phone call to say he was out of surgery, whilst he was in surgery there were complications so needed to go to ICU where he would remain sedated for the next 48 hours, I would be able to visit tomorrow and the surgeon would contact me with more details. Another unslept night, with thoughts and adrenaline swamping my whole body. I went to visit Samad in the ICU, having been warned what to expect but I actually didn’t care. I get to see him and he is alive!!

I arrive to be told that Samad was put into an isolated ward within the ICU. Looking back I’m glad adrenaline had overtaken me, as it was probably and most certainly the scariest week of my whole entire life.

I walked in and saw Samad awake, this had to be great news, it hadn’t even been 12 hours and he was awake. I took his hand which had ballooned along with the rest of his body and I smiled. Samad couldn’t talk much and was just saying one-word answers. I filled the silence with talks of things he would enjoy listening to, mainly about our children, silly memories and fun times. He tells me his throat is hurting and the Nurse explains this is from the tube during surgery and allows me to use something that looked like a lollypop to soothe his throat, it looked as if it was instant relief for him. It dawned on me how many wires were attached to him and how many machines were beeping around him. I slowly started realizing the severity of the surgery. Everyone at home waited for me to give them news and all I could say were the positives because, in all honesty, that’s all I told myself to see.

The following day on the way to the hospital, the Surgeon called me to go over the surgery. He explained they were confident they removed the whole tumour, once they opened him up they saw the tumour had grown into the size of a small watermelon. My thoughts steered to Samad and how unfair it had been for him to be in so much pain for so long.

He also explained that when they had finished surgery his body “shut down” and they had to get him back. My mind just stops! What! What!! Quick think of positives. Quick! So I remember..He’s alive! He’s breathing. Something I tell myself and others whenever things look challenging.

I see him and while I’m there he is asking if he can go back to bed. I was confused, he’s plugged and wired up more than a Christmas tree and he’s asking to go back to bed? So I asked where he was and he said Costco…I replied with a giggle “ Sure go back to bed” The Nurses explained that the medication can cause hallucinations.

The Consultant comes over and asks me if I would mind speaking with her outside the ward. I should have known then what the conversation was going to be, but I was in complete denial of his condition even with it staring in my face!

We went to a family room, again I should have known after years of watching Casualty!

Sitting down she tells me she’s here, to be honest, and comes out with a load of Doctor jargon. I told her that she would need to dumb it down for me, I have had about 4 hours of sleep in the last 4 days. She told me that Samad has been through a lot before surgery, during surgery and now after surgery, and with his heart rate being an issue, their concern is if he were to go into cardiac arrest the likelihood of his body recovering from what they would need to do to “get him back” would be very slim. I asked what the likelihood of him having a cardiac arrest would be and she said looking at him now, very high. I just say ok and thank you and smile. She tells me due to pneumonia it’s so crucial for him to start coughing, I remember her asking me if I had any questions, but I didn’t. I just wanted to be with Samad.

I go back and the first thing I do is tell him off. “Samad!!! you need to listen and you need to cough…so cough!!!” I’m desperate, if there is any point in this man’s life when he has to listen and do as he’s told, the time is now!! Anyone who knows Samad knows he is stubborn and never does as he’s told! But wait… it works, he starts coughing. The Nurse is shocked and laughs. “Wow, that’s the first time he’s done that, maybe you should stay”

Trust me, Love! If I could, I would!!!

After the timed slot was up, it was time to speak with the family. My phone had a dozen missed calls and messages. Everyone was so eager to know the latest update. I called Isti first, Samad’s youngest brother, it wasn’t until I was actually saying the words out loud that it hit me…” cardiac arrest” “body not recovering”….Not only did we almost lose him during surgery…but we could STILL lose him. The pictures of our children were stamped in my head…what do I say to them! They’re so young, they don’t deserve to live their lives without their Daddy. Seeing them lose their Dhada (Grandad) was enough, please don’t let them go through this too. Then, Mum, oh no! It wasn’t long ago she became a widow…she CAN NOT lose her eldest son! And she’s at home waiting for good news, anything to cling on to to get a good night’s sleep. And then I sobbed like I haven’t sobbed before. Sitting alone in the middle of the hospital, that all of sudden felt so huge around me. Isti did his best to comfort me, telling me I shouldn’t be doing this on my own but I had to, I just had to.

On the way home, we as a family agreed not to tell Mum just yet, hoping things would change over the next few days. I lay awake the whole night thinking if that were me, and our son was laying there, I would want to know, regardless of the news. I cried all night with fears of “what ifs”. The next morning, Mum was confused about why I had been crying so much I just couldn’t keep it in and I told her. It was awful and something I wish I never had to do ever again.

Even now while writing this, it brings tears to my eyes and a pain in the bottom of my stomach.

On the fifth day, we got the good news that he had improved enough to allow him to be moved to a new ward, a proper ward. I went up as they wanted me to be there to support him mentally. I got there and he was hallucinating again, this time the hallucinations were severe and scary. He was saying they are trying to attack him, he looked absolutely terrified. I was so out of my depth and had no idea what I should do. Reminding myself that he is still breathing, I had to do or say something. I took his hand and said, Samad, I know you know what you are seeing isn’t real, feel my hand and know that I am real and I am truthful, look away from those wanting to hurt you, while I am here, nobody will hurt you. This seemed to work enough for his breathing to calm down.

While moving him we bump into a family friend, a Doctor who was on duty, and she comes over to send her best wishes to Samad. He was still hallucinating and while we were in the lift, he asked me if she was gone, I said “Yeah why?” He said, “Then why are we still hiding?”

He thought we were on the run and our friend was the person chasing us.

When we got to the ward, Samad was in a huge amount of distress. All the medication had worn off and side effects from all the opiates were in full force. He said he was hungry so I tried to feed him. He began shouting saying I wasn’t doing it right and he accuses me of not wanting to be there with him, so he was going to discharge himself and go home….Samad! Have you seen yourself right now? Sure pop your shoes on My Love, Let’s go! I mean…seriously! I told him that the hospital has what he needs to get better and it’s best to stay. This only makes him angrier, he continues to hallucinate for the rest of the night.

I can honestly say that it was utterly heartbreaking and something that I wish nobody has to go through let alone have to watch their loved one endure all of it.

Looking back at this chapter in all our lives, it has made us cherish our family much more than ever before, it allowed us to see that none of us is untouchable, we are not immortal and to embrace all the highs and the lows in our lives. I’m a great believer in things happening for a reason and this experience has exposed us to so many emotions and life lessons that humble us.